“You remind me of a former prostitute…”
The Church Lady Social Media Troll is a menace to society — driving people from the Church and endangering the vulnerable. PLUS: 5 Steps to take if you have been cyberbullied.
Hello, friends! I am glad to see you here, though I have some unfortunate news to share. If you were here last week you know I just finished my fall semester at the University of St. Thomas in Houston (virtual MFA program with a concentration on poetry). My final project was a memoir-essay entitled:
I just got my grades for the whole semester, and I did very well on everything I turned in, including this final paper. You would think I would be happy because I am finished for the winter…
But I cannot celebrate anything right now.
After consulting my husband and several friends about this situation I need to write about something that falls under the category of abuse. And if we know anything, we know abuse thrives when victims or witnesses remain silent.
This harassment has been perpetrated across social media platforms (not just Substack), and I did not respond to the most recent invective. I waited a day to see if she would apologize (people make horrible mistakes — perhaps she was drinking?), and when she didn’t I blocked her. I know I gave her more grace than most people would.
I have removed the individual’s name because it is not my intent to humiliate her or have her “canceled” — despite what she wrote to me, which I have shared below in screenshots with care not to include any of her identifying information.
The purpose in sharing this is:
To illustrate what cyberbullying looks when perpetrated by a woman old enough to know better;
To explore why women can be so utterly cruel to other women;
To highlight the danger of targeting a person who is prone to depression, particularly the suicidal ideation, from which I suffer and have written about in the past;
To express concerns that, without any fraternal correction, she will continue doing this to other women. The way to stop abuse is to shine a light on it, and tell everyone that this is inexcusable.
The Incident
The screenshot below is what was sent to me in a private message after my not-quite-serious post about being a former belly dancer:
First of all, I don’t wear short dresses to conferences. I just don’t because I’m a 50-year-old mother of five children ranging from 21 to 9, and I have cellulite LOL. 😂 Also, I don’t want to sit uncomfortably in a seat trying to adjust what I am wearing — so yeah, I don’t typically wear mini-skirts.
I don’t have low cut blouses. I wear V-necks because I hate textiles touching my neck.1 In fact, after I told several friends about this private message thread they went through my Facebook feed to look at my clothing choices and saw nothing wrong. This woman made it sound like I was guilty of public nudity.
The pictures on my last post were of me wearing my dance rehearsal outfits which, my dancing friends were quick to point out, were more conservative than what most dancers wear, including ballerinas. And just for good measure, here is my actual performance costume (I only had this one for dancing in public):
As you can see my midriff isn’t showing, as was the case with the other dancers— our costumes matched in form, but differed in color. Mine was blue.2
And she compares me — to a prostitute?!
Wow. Who does this?
Dancing is not a sin. See Kevin Bacon’s speech as Ren McCormack in this clip from Footloose:
The Slow Boiling Pot of Abuse
My interactions with this woman have been going on for some time. I have been nothing but absolutely nice to her. When she had literary questions she wanted me to ask my professor, I didn’t hesitate to do so. I went out of my way to remind her of literary events she wanted to attend. I helped her whenever it was in my power to help her, and I did so because she seemed awkwardly sweet and, quite frankly, needing a little assistance. She is an older person, and I was raised as a young Filipina-American child to treat elders with a certain amount of respect and affection.
However, as she grew more comfortable with me she would give me “free advice” which really trespassed the bounds of appropriate.
She suggested that I was a neglectful wife and mother because of my studying (2 nights a week: 1 MFA and 1 Catherine Project), running (which I do early when everyone is asleep or midday when kids are at school), and *gasp* reading too many books! My travel really is not significant compared to many other mothers and fathers I know. As anyone who knows me in real life will tell you, I am in danger of suffering from burnout because I work so hard for my complex family. Writing is my escape — my mental health intervention.
The underlying purpose of this particular online exchange3 (whether she is conscious of it or not) seems to be professional sabotage: To get me to stop writing, to stop pursuing my MFA. I believe she may be jealous that she is not in the same program I am in. Her accusation of “networking with Catholic celebrities” is ridiculous — they are my friends. I like them, and they seem to like me. Sigh. I’m just a social person.
What is truly alarming is how manipulative her language is, and the use of my boys’ disabilities as blackmail to get me to do what she wants me to do. I do not believe her “concern” for me is genuine, though she may think so out of some type of self-delusion.
And how she ends,
And we all have to make our own mistakes. Affectionately yours,
It reminds me of something
recently posted on Notes:Concern trolls are weak and lack integrity, for sure. And that is what this abuser is.
Now the Bullet Points…
Cyberbullying, Not Just for Kids
Cyberbullying includes sending, posting, or sharing negative, harmful, false, or mean content about someone else. It can include sharing personal or private information about someone else causing embarrassment or humiliation.
I have suffered harassment across social media platforms from this outwardly Catholic woman who is older than I am. If anything good happened from this incident, it is that I was able to have a great conversation with my 15-year-old about cyberbullying, using this as an example of how this type of abuse can happen into adulthood.
One lesson we both learned was that if anyone believes they are being harassed they should take screenshots. If you’re wrong you just have pictures of a conversation. If you are right, then you have evidence, and that is valuable in establishing a pattern. Document, document, document. And don’t stay silent.
This woman is more published than I am and has a much larger following than I do — so why pick on me? Well, anyone can be a bully. Let’s not forget the rich, powerful, and beautiful wife of John Legend, Chrissy “Go to sleep FOREVER!” Teigen, and her cyberbullying of multiple victims — which brings be to my next point…
Women are a Special Kind of Vicious
As you can see from the second picture in particular, this woman was using personal information against me to get me to do what she wanted. It is no secret that women can be incredibly manipulative. They are especially savage to people whom they believe (consciously or subconsciously) are rivals — people whom they perceive as taking attention, affection, accolades or other resources they desire for themselves.
The most telling line of the worst screed is this:
I think you are seeking male attention with the things you do. It’s shocking.
This is horribly ironic because I joined the dancing troupe to — I kid you not — MAKE FRIENDS WITH WOMEN. If I wanted to be around men I would have chosen some type of partner dancing. But NO. I knew all the people I would practice with every week were women. And I miss them a lot, but as I had mentioned behind the paywall of my last post, being involved in dance was also triggering an eating disorder.
The stuff we hate about other people is often what we most despise about ourselves. Her comments betray the insecurities of a woman who wants male attention. I suspect that she is jealous of the fact that I am moderately nice-looking — garnering attention that she secretly covets. The fact that I am pretty is made worse by my enjoyment of dressing nicely, putting on some makeup, and taking selfies. It’s a sad fact about me — pray for my soul. 😂 But I also try to make sure it never falls into unhealthy behavior (i.e. the sin of pride/vanity)— just as people who like to drink can drink, but one should exercise temperance if they know they are prone to excess.
Unleashing the Black Dog
I want to make sure that everyone understands this:
When evil comments are directed to a person who suffers from severe depression, it can trigger suicidal ideation.
Bullying is serious. People have died because of bullying. Everyone knows this, right?
There is even a Wikipedia page entitled List of suicides attributed to bullying.
The Worst Christian Example
I had conversations about this incident with people who are not in the Catholic writing circle at all. My friend who left the Catholic church replied with some really wonderful wisdom when he saw the screenshots, but he also pulled these words attributed to Mahatma Gandhi:
“I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.”
And…
"It is a first class human tragedy that people of the earth who claim to believe in the message of Jesus, whom they describe as the Prince of Peace, show little of that belief in actual practice."
And here is the brief reply from another dear friend:
Ugh. I’m sorry. This is why I’m an atheist 😊
The person I am dealing with is very vocal about the superiority of the Roman Catholic faith and literary tradition. However, as you can see, she is very cruel in private. She does not practice Catholic charity. She does not even seem to know what it is. Her example is justifying people’s opinions about the religion she is trying to draw people into… and she is failing. She is the embodiment of a problem I see all the time within the traditional Catholic Church: Scrupulosity.
Abuse Thrives in Silence
Due to my paid work and my volunteering in the church, I have had to go through lots of training regarding the abuse of vulnerable populations. If there is anything that I have learned it is that abuse thrives in silence. (Boston, 2002, anyone?) Cutting an abuser off from one victim does not keep them from abusing another person. These people need their fix, so to speak. They have a hunger for something that is unhealthy, and they will always seek to satisfy it. They may not even know they have a problem. Or if they know they have a problem, they may not have the will to address it.
The biggest reason I am writing right now is because one of my classmates received an alarming comment from this woman. It was a backhanded compliment on the post. After I saw this I identified three friends who looked like they would be targets of this woman’s abuse and were in some type of contact with her. These friends are all attractive, talented female writers who are somehow associated with my graduate program. I discreetly warned them about the mistreatment I experienced.
I have been as prudent as possible. I do not want to ruin anyone’s reputation nor humiliate anyone in public. I do not want rumor to be spread. However, this woman has done great harm and needs to see a confessor. I believe without fraternal correction she will strike again because I do not think she understands that what she did is wrong.
That is it from me, but I admit that I may need advice or consolation. I absolutely hated writing this. As always, I welcome respectful comments and conversation.
I am grateful for the support of my Substack community and friends. I’ve had an awful, terrible, no good week with multiple disasters. For those who pray, I’d appreciate prayers. And for those who listened to me in private conversations, MARAMING SALAMAT PO!
And remember, if you or someone you love is the victim of bullying, don’t ignore it.
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Keep safe. Stay calm. Talk to someone you trust so you can handle this appropriately.
DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT. Before blocking an abuser take screenshots of everything first because (depending on the platform) the conversation may disappear after you block someone.
BLOCK AND DO NOT ENGAGE WITH YOUR ABUSER.
REPORT the incident to the platform.
BE NOT AFRAID. Go forth and do good. Be the change you wish to see in the world.4
I wrote this after days of thought, prayer, and consultation with very good friends, all of whom are compassionate individuals, not all of them of the same faith but who believe in our shared humanity. Despite the bullies, the world is still full of good people.
Pax et Bonum,
Zina.
Funny personal story: I wore Catholic school uniforms for most of my elementary and secondary days, but when I wasn’t at school I had to wear the clothes my mom bought me. She often got turtlenecks that were too tight, and I hated them. When I got to buy my own clothes I avoided turtlenecks and crewnecks, and I avoid them to this day.
If you are NOT SCANDALIZED by the exposure of a woman’s tummy I wanted to show you the style of belly dancing that I did. It is quite beautiful. In the picture above I am posing with a silk ombre-dyed veil, and our choreography was somewhat like this (but not as polished as Fleur Estelle DC):
The whole conversation happened in Substack Direct Messaging and when I blocked her the whole conversation disappeared which is fine with me. This last screenshot captures the tone.
FYI Mahatma Gandhi probably DIDN’T say this, but people like to think he did.
I admire your determination to write through this, Zina. Some bullies only understand a punch back. I’m glad to be part of your community.
Sorry to hear you have to go through this. Especially this close to Christmas. Online or not, it's never pleasant to have to deal with such people. It reminds me of one person I had to deal with (also a woman, which I only mention because of the theme here, and a recent convert to Protestantism) who - to put it a certain way - proved herself wholly incapable of understanding the function of the character of Kichijirō in Shusaku Endo's masterpiece, Silence.
This woman doesn't sound very Catholic to me. What always sets Catholics apart for me (among other things) is the possession of a "baroque soul," or Interior Castle a la St. Teresa of Avila. There is nothing baroque about the profile of the soul presented here; I sense no interior castle. It's one of our strengths and American Catholics, from my observation, have struggled to maintain it in a majority Protestant and Mammonian culture that would sacrifice everything "baroque" in favor of the salesman's skin-deep, veneer identity in Arthur Miller's play. While I don't want to make what you've written about something else, this story is a reminder that for many Catholics the Protestantization of the Church is not just a theological abstraction but a real-world factor that can and will surface in daily life when we least expect it. (One that, if successfully negated, would considerably heal the current rift between the "nicey nice" Catholics and the trad Catholics; more on that another time, perhaps)
One of the beauties of the "baroque soul" is a closeness to the arts and to the fine things in life (including a forgotten intellectual Catholic tradition only now being rediscovered in English by great publishers like Arouca Press); dancing is one such art as any Irish Catholic (doing the ceili) or Polish Catholic (dancing the polka) can attest. As for belly dancing; while it is understandably not everyone's cup of tea and questioning its place in culture is valid in other instances (the Greeks, for instance, inherited belly dancing from the Muslim Turk occupiers when they enslaved their Christian subjects for sex (if women) and as psychologically abused soldier-slaves (if men)) it is also a somewhat misunderstood dance. Many do it for cardiovascular benefits, for instance, and not at all for the more "stereotypical" reasons. (I'm sure I don't need to tell you all this) It makes logical sense that a belly dancing class would be a good place to meet other women; can't say I know many men who know how to belly dance. 😅
In case I forget closer to the day - I haven't used the phrase "killing time" in years now - Merry Christmas, Zina! I'm glad you're not letting the cyberbullies bring you down. No petty person should be allowed to sabotage the joy we feel for the birth of Our Savior.