On the power of touch, do children have the right to hug their parents, David Roberts's posts on the justice system, and my experience with our church's prison ministry.
We most certainly don't mind if you write more often, Zina! And I'll have to check out that direct message button: missed out on that development due to my busy week.
It's curious to imagine how to go about studying hugs. Sounds like a great premise for a novel, or a primary character at least: I think many people would want to read about a hug scholar! Hope you have no objections with taking inspiration for such an idea from your essay!
With that being said, my favorite hugs are those that are spontaneous because they are the most heartfelt and organic and therefore the most meaningful. I guess it depends on the person, but to me there's something strange about - for lack of a better term - "systematizing" hugs. That's why I could never get onboard with the free hug people who stand in parks: they mean well but one knows, deep down, that it's just a thing and not from direct, authentic love. Still: a great conceptual directive to add to this novel idea. (If I write such a novel, I'll dedicate it to you :-) ) Can the hug be systematized? And does it lose its power when it does? (This, of course, comes off the back of me reading Dave Eggers' The Circle, which features few hugs but a lot of digitally-directed mob force by mobs acting in the name of love and compassion)
Hi Felix, what an interesting reflection, and yes, please free to explore this idea about hugs (whether I am credited or not!). Quickly: I think hugs are more or less evidence of love, perhaps not requirements for one to live life. The more a person is loved, the safer they feel, the more willing they are to learn and take risks. A lot of human flourishing can take place under these conditions. Hugs are a behavior that indicate affection. Behaviors are often a form of communication—conscious or unconscious. Communication can be used with integrity and authenticity—but also be used to lie and manipulate. The concept of Systematic Hugs remove the idea of love and affection as being generous and freely given. I have to stop here to tend to family, but I’d like to continue this conversation sometime.
This is such an important essay, Zina -- I hope it gets broader reach. I'd recommend -- to you and to David -- the podcast Ear Hustle, which tells many of these stories, including the most soul-crushing episode, "Thick Glass," which is precisely about the difficulty fathers face in maintaining intimate relationships with their children. One of the incarcerated fathers answers a letter, at the end of the episode, written by a boy who wants to know why his father won't write him back. It will make you weep.
As I noted in response to David's essays, this problem is worsened by the election of DAs who have every political incentive to appear tough on crime and who sometimes knowingly or indifferently allow the bail trap to intimidate people into accepting plea deals. There's no way of knowing how many of those deals are accepted by people who are innocent, but the enormous price that people pay for defending themselves, particularly when they cannot afford bail, does not provide a fair playing field for justice. There needs to be a higher standard for filing charges, in my opinion, or steeper consequences for filing charges that turn out to be wrong. Some of the consequences of prosecutorial overreach are lifelong.
Thank you, Josh. I will give the podcast a listen. I’ll remember to have some tissues as the ready, too. You make many good points. I think the first obstacle is the social bias against the incarcerated. The stigma families face allow for all these wrongs to go on in the shadows.
The whole New Yorker article would be good for Sam to read because it lays out a very sad and compelling situation and how we got to this point. You know I am a trained Special Education Surrogate Parent (SESP) and one of my colleagues has a client who is separated from her mother due to incarceration. Every family has their own extraordinary circumstances but some are more extraordinary than others. My friend is SESP until the mom can get out and on her feet but in the meantime this child is so vulnerable. And due to the stigma of incarceration it is hard to ask for community support. It’s a very complex situation which is tragic, but I also think it’s an opportunity for us as members of society to show our better angels of our nature.
I’d love to talk about it. I mention it a bit in this post I wrote about the opioid crisis (I think I need to rename the post. As it is, it seems a bit long.):
We most certainly don't mind if you write more often, Zina! And I'll have to check out that direct message button: missed out on that development due to my busy week.
It's curious to imagine how to go about studying hugs. Sounds like a great premise for a novel, or a primary character at least: I think many people would want to read about a hug scholar! Hope you have no objections with taking inspiration for such an idea from your essay!
With that being said, my favorite hugs are those that are spontaneous because they are the most heartfelt and organic and therefore the most meaningful. I guess it depends on the person, but to me there's something strange about - for lack of a better term - "systematizing" hugs. That's why I could never get onboard with the free hug people who stand in parks: they mean well but one knows, deep down, that it's just a thing and not from direct, authentic love. Still: a great conceptual directive to add to this novel idea. (If I write such a novel, I'll dedicate it to you :-) ) Can the hug be systematized? And does it lose its power when it does? (This, of course, comes off the back of me reading Dave Eggers' The Circle, which features few hugs but a lot of digitally-directed mob force by mobs acting in the name of love and compassion)
Hi Felix, what an interesting reflection, and yes, please free to explore this idea about hugs (whether I am credited or not!). Quickly: I think hugs are more or less evidence of love, perhaps not requirements for one to live life. The more a person is loved, the safer they feel, the more willing they are to learn and take risks. A lot of human flourishing can take place under these conditions. Hugs are a behavior that indicate affection. Behaviors are often a form of communication—conscious or unconscious. Communication can be used with integrity and authenticity—but also be used to lie and manipulate. The concept of Systematic Hugs remove the idea of love and affection as being generous and freely given. I have to stop here to tend to family, but I’d like to continue this conversation sometime.
No problem! That would be fun!
This is such an important essay, Zina -- I hope it gets broader reach. I'd recommend -- to you and to David -- the podcast Ear Hustle, which tells many of these stories, including the most soul-crushing episode, "Thick Glass," which is precisely about the difficulty fathers face in maintaining intimate relationships with their children. One of the incarcerated fathers answers a letter, at the end of the episode, written by a boy who wants to know why his father won't write him back. It will make you weep.
As I noted in response to David's essays, this problem is worsened by the election of DAs who have every political incentive to appear tough on crime and who sometimes knowingly or indifferently allow the bail trap to intimidate people into accepting plea deals. There's no way of knowing how many of those deals are accepted by people who are innocent, but the enormous price that people pay for defending themselves, particularly when they cannot afford bail, does not provide a fair playing field for justice. There needs to be a higher standard for filing charges, in my opinion, or steeper consequences for filing charges that turn out to be wrong. Some of the consequences of prosecutorial overreach are lifelong.
https://www.earhustlesq.com/episodes/2018/4/25/thick-glass
Thank you, Josh. I will give the podcast a listen. I’ll remember to have some tissues as the ready, too. You make many good points. I think the first obstacle is the social bias against the incarcerated. The stigma families face allow for all these wrongs to go on in the shadows.
Zina
The Portia speech was very moving to read after your post
I will share with my brother Sam who will be interested in your comments about the restrictions on family contact with prisoners
I can’t see a purpose in it other than cruelty
The whole New Yorker article would be good for Sam to read because it lays out a very sad and compelling situation and how we got to this point. You know I am a trained Special Education Surrogate Parent (SESP) and one of my colleagues has a client who is separated from her mother due to incarceration. Every family has their own extraordinary circumstances but some are more extraordinary than others. My friend is SESP until the mom can get out and on her feet but in the meantime this child is so vulnerable. And due to the stigma of incarceration it is hard to ask for community support. It’s a very complex situation which is tragic, but I also think it’s an opportunity for us as members of society to show our better angels of our nature.
I did not know about SESPs. What a difficult and noble thing to be.
If you have the time I’d like to learn more about.how the SESP system works
Perhaps a zoom one day
I’d love to talk about it. I mention it a bit in this post I wrote about the opioid crisis (I think I need to rename the post. As it is, it seems a bit long.):
https://open.substack.com/pub/zinagomezliss/p/things-fall-apart-the-opioid-crisis?r=fjyz7&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
Do justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with our God. Easy, right? Hahahaha.
Totally.